The Toxic Prayers of a Mother...

For whatever reason I have been thinking a lot about prayer.  It seems like a lot of people have called me recently with prayer request, or calling to tell me that they are praying for me.  Today after a prayer request from a dear friend I got to thinking about this whole prayer business. Like most things in my brain I lack logic and sometimes intelligence.

Disclaimer:  This is not intended to be a great Philosophical debate on the power of prayer.  I have absolutely nothing to back any of this up so take it as what it is, my random thoughts. 

My Mother can kill anything through the power of prayer.  This is a true statement.  If you want your life turned upside down, ask her to pray for you.  I learned this very hard lesson in college.  I had a boyfriend I really thought I was going to marry.  One day I get an out of the blue call from my mom telling me,  "I'm going to pray for your relationship".  Two days later.... I get dumped.  No lie.  No Exaggeration.  The "perfect" relationship crumbles at my feet.  At the time I couldn't understand what I did wrong, but looking back I realize this was entirely my mothers fault.  This becomes a repeating cycle.  The older I get the quicker she starts praying for these potential son in laws.  Without fail she will start praying for them on a Friday, I am single by a Monday.  Once I learned of her "toxic prayer" power I started using it to my advantage.  If a boy asked me out, and I didn't like him,  I would call and ask her to pray for it.  There was usually not a second date.  It would be over by the next day.  

This leads me to wonder why are her prayers so insanely powerful?  I find myself having to shot block her prayers.  If you don't get this reference you obviously need to read Jon Acuff.   This gets to be exhausting because I don't always know what she is praying for.  I have to try to guess her motives.  Is it unfair to throw out a blanket "Please ignore my mothers request"? Because I bet she prays for my cousin who is fighting cancer.  Lord knows I don't want to block those prayers.  But is she praying for my career?  Better set up the shot block to keep me from getting fired, or transferred to Connecticut!!!  But even with the perfected shot block she can still bring about some huge life changes.  

How is it that if our prayers seem to offset each other hers seem to get answered. Why is this?  Maybe it is because she has really perfected the art of prayer.  She has a direct line with God.  Somehow her download speed is faster than mine.  Is it because she has been doing this longer?  While technically I have been praying for around 25 years it is only in the last 5-6  years, I stopped praying for pointless things.  I spent a lot of time growing up praying for a New Barbie House that never came or that the Cool Girls would be my friends.  I guess God answered that one because my definition of cool changed.  So maybe I haven't yet caught up to her level of spirituality.  

How does God decide which of our prayers to answer?  Is it a quantity thing?  Maybe she says 6 short prayers a day but I sit down and pray for a longer amount of time.  But God only sees it as me praying once so she wins.  Is there actually a winner at prayer?  Or maybe it's quality over quantity.  Maybe she prays for a long amount of time but mine are shorter so therefore hers wins again.  I imagine there is some sort of tally system used, but that is just me.  St Peter has to have a job other than just welcoming people into heaven.  At nights he is a prayer counter.

It is also possible that my mom is in fact a super hero.  Her super power is getting her way.  She has always been able to convince me to do about anything, I am unable to stand my ground.  But it appears to go even  further than that.  She can mind warp the universe to make things fall in her favor.  That is a pretty cool power.  You could get anything you wanted! I am jealous.   Maybe it is genetic?

Whatever it is, I am glad for her toxic prayers.  5 years after she ruins my life I am able to look back and be glad she did it.  If those relationships had worked out I wouldn't have met Donald.  I still haven't seen the wisdom in moving to Connecticut but I'm sure there is one.  She always seems to know best.  I guess in a way God answers both our prayers even when the conflict... he just seems to like her more.

But don't worry,  I am getting my own revenge.  Each night and each morning, I pray for her too. Take that Mom!